tabanca - "the forlorn feeling that one gets, when a love affair is over".....Cote ce, Cote la

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PLAYIN' DEAD TO KETCH CORBEAU ALIVE

by Alloy
-copyright 1998-
From " Tales from under de Breadfruit Tree"

 

Jojo: Last nite ah went to Royal Restaurant, an' yuh know wat happen?

Sam: How yuh expect mih to know if yuh doan tell mih.

Jojo: If ah tell yuh, promise mih yuh wooden get vex.

Sam: Now, how you expect mih to promise someting ah doan know about.
Yuh making mih vex arready.

Jojo: Now doan fine mih farse, odderwise ah go close mih mouth like a rat-trap.

Sam: So wat yuh keeping mih in all dis suspense for? Yuh is Alfred Hichcock,now? Yuh have mih on high tension like dem T&TEC wire.

Jojo: Well,las' nite ah see Merle in de restaurant...
Sam: So wat?

Jojo: ....Wid a man...


Sam: Could be she farder,brudder or she uncle.

Jojo: Ah know all ah dem an' it wasn't none ah dem.....Besides de way she was behavin'.....it coudden  ah be none ah dem.

Sam: Yuh know, ah tink yuh lookin' at too much James Bon' video.Since Mario open dat Video store dong the road so close, yuh turning to be
wuss dan Randolph Burroughs. Wusserer... yuh getting to be a real mako. Now yuh insinuatin'  mih woman wid annoder man? Yuh better come good before ah bussup yuh mout,here.

Jojo: Okay, Okay! Open up yuh ears good an' lissen to wat ah have to say and den yuh could draw yuh own conclusion. YUh know wen yuh enter Royal Restaurant, on de lef' han' side, it have ah kinda dark spot, so dat wen people now come in from de lite, dey cant see who sittin'
dey......Is de same place we siddong  de las' time.

Sam: Uhmm!

Jojo: Well ah was sittin' dong dey an she ent see me, wen she traips in......well crook-up wid de fella. An' de way she was carryin' on like she had in a few arready. She had on one ah dem tite pumpum shorts, red wid wite polka dots and one ah dem short kinda shirt dey does tie up over dey nable, so all she belly expose.Ah didn't even know she had a birthmark....on de rite hand side under she nable. She was lookin' kinda coskelle......an'
ackin' like ah real jagabat. Doan fine mih farse, but yuh is mih fren an' if ah doan tell yuh, who go tell yuh?

Sam: Well ah lissenin'....,so wat happen after?

JoJo: AS ah said before, she didn't see me,so she traips rite in  an' dey went to ah table not too far from me.Ah could see dem plain as day! Yuh know de young lady plunks down sheself on top of the youngman lap! As is dey had no more chairs in de place. As man ah was feelin shame .....for you! Before yuh know it he.........

Sam: Wait! Yuh sure it was Merle?

Jojo: Yeh!

Sam: My Merle?

Jojo:Yup! An' yuh know wat? You have better quality dan dat fella she was wid.  He look like one ah dem sagaboy type.Tall an' lengay,wid a bosey back to boot......an' a piece ah beard ike ah ramgoat. Look like he had dada head too but ah
couldn't make out too good in de dark.One ting ah notice dough, he had on about fifty gol' ring an' 'bout seventy gol' chain rong he neck. So he mus' be in drugs, or he mus' be does len' money or someting.....

Sam: So wat yuh SEE? DAT IS WAT AH WANT TO HEAR!

Jojo: Well doan rush de brush....Yuh know, no sooner she siddong on he lap dey start up feeling up one annoder like zaboca. De waitress had to
even arkse excuse to take de drink order....she was so occupied dat wen the waitress arkse she wat she drinking, she say"Anything".The waitress
had to tell she dat dey run out of 'anything' but could offer she ah rum an coke. Ah didn't hear wat de fella order because ah was too occupied
wid de carryin' on. Yuh shouda see how dem two wrapup, like two makajuel......not ah breeze coulda pass between dem. Sam, yuh know you
an' I is frens, and de only reason ah tellin' yuh dis is because of we frenship.

Sam: Ah know,ah know. So den wat happen?

Jojo: By de time de waitress get back to de table wid de drinks an' dem, tings was real hot! Even mih glasses started to fog up. It was ah bitin' and ah squeezin' and ah feelin' and ah kissin' goin' on. Listen to de waitress,"Ahem! Excuse me! Look here  ah know how it is and ah doh want to sound like ah interferring, but dis is ah restaurant an'
not ah bedroom and ah tink allyuh young people should comport allyuh self better in public. Young lady ah tink ah better get more ICE for yuh
rum coke, to cool yuh off!".......Boy ! Is den Merle get hot! I never know she to be so tin-skin.....she jump off de man lap an' bawl out,"But wha' happen to you? Yuh never had young days? Or yuh hormones dry up an' yuh forget? Yuh forgettin' we is gesses in here, an' allyuh ad on TV does say, allyuh does treat people, ROYALLY. Look, leave we in peace!".....

Sam: Merle say dat? It had odder people in de restaurant? Ah know she have ah bad temper, but she never get on so wid me....but yuh never know
wid dem dougla woman.....so wha' happen after?

Jojo: Yuh coulda see de watress was a little embarrassed because she ent expect Merle to get on like a yard fowl like dat, so she pull back
an' Merle went rite back and siddong on the young man lap.Dis time he smilin an' is den ah notice he had about six gol' teet in he mout'. Tree on top an' tree below......

Sam: Yuh say six gol' teet?

Jojo: Wha' happen yuh know him? Yuh recognise he gol' teet?

Sam: Nevah mine! Go on!

Jojo: Listen, ah doan know wat goin' tru yuh mind
but wat ever yuh do, doan call my name...because ah doan want to get into no comesse.

Sam: Okay ! Ah jus' want yuh to finish de story.

Jojo: Ah kinda lose  control  about de sequence of wat happen nex, because ah was concentratin' on he gol' teet and whey he find all dat money to buy all dat gol'.......but de next ting ah know, ah big Indian boobooloops  bust tru de door, drag off Merle off de man.....an' start to rip off Merle clothes. All de time she bawlin and screamin,"Ah tell yuh leave mih man! Yuh dutty guabine! Wen ah finish wid yuh tail today no man go want yuh! Leave...... Mih........Man.....Alone!"(Wid every
word she hit Merle a cuff) Boy, dat Dos was mad! By dis time, de little piece a shirt Merle was wearin', rip up, like kitetail! An de fella? He siddong dey skinnin' he gol teet and bawlin,' "Rookmin, Stop!" To make ah long story short, yuh know how ah doan like to see advantage, so ah decide ah go jump in to stop dis Mama Tayta from killin' Merle. Who tell me to do dat? Ah fly orf mih chair, an' ah jump in de brew....boy, ah didn't
estimate de size of Rookmin... de woman W- I- D- E.....like ah immortelle tree....as she was sittin' on
top ah Merle ches', ah had to approach she from behind. Ah coudden even get  mih hands rong half of she......so ah had was to lock she neck, to
try to pull she orf ah Merle. Dis time mih back turn to de fella, an ah didn't even notice wen he attack mih.....Ah hear,"BUDDUFF!'.... mih ears get HOT,HOT....mih ears start to ring an' ah feel as if ah gettin' malkadee....Wid de force of de blow, ah fall back, pushin' Rookmin to oneside offa Merle .....but as mih back touch de groun' ah roll to mih lef' (ah did learn dat in karate class since ah was
small....man, it does take a good lash in yuh tail for yuh to remember all kinda ting).....

Sam: So wha happen to Merle? She.....

Jojo: Boy yuh is someting else yeh! Ah man ketchin he arse, fightin' for he life, an' yuh worried 'bout woman! Besides is your honor Ah was
defenning.......

Sam: But me ent send yuh to fight...Me ent arkse yuh to defen' me.....

 Jojo: Ah now dat, but seein' how we is fren nah... ah tort dat you coud have some feelins for me......

Sam: Feelins for man? Who yuh take me for? Ah battie boy? So wha happen to Merle?

Jojo: Yuh readin' mih rong....besides, is Merle dat come out to horn you! Yuh want to ear 'bout Merle?  Ah go tell yuh! .....After ah roll to mih lef', in a flash ah was on mih foot....ah spin rong, dis time ah facin de fella, an' if yuh se mih.....carayin like Bruce Lee.. ah make a fake to de rite an' as ah ketch he movin de rong way, ah give
him one lef'foot.....strait to stones! 'Badap!'......He double up like dem cheap copybook, squinge up he face like he eat sour tambran an' he
start to bawl.......he start orf on a bass note......
As ah was sayin' he start orf in a bass note like Satchmo, an' end up like Celine Dion. Tinkin' about it, he could make Queens Hall....

Sam: Forget Queens Hall.wha about Merle?

Jojo: Boy! Yuh obsess wid dat woman! Like yuh have ah bad case ah tabanca.......dey does call dat tabanca tajari...

Sam: Forget me...What about Merle?

Jojo: Well ah realise ah could forget about the fella, because 'crapaud smoke he pipe'..... so ah turn rong to see de odder side of mih back ...... Merle siddong on de groun', holdin' up wat left of she shirt to keep she totots from fallin' out and at the same time, tryin' to cover up she toonkooloonks, because she pumum shorts, had a big rip in de crotch.......Meanwhille, Rookmin, flat on she back bawlin,"Mih han' break allyuh! How ah go look after mih chile, wid ah break han'... Roysie yuh see wat you an' dis jajabat cause? " Dat is wen ah find out
de fella name....Roysie!You know him?...

Sam: Maybe...So wha happen after?

Jojo: All of a sudden ah hear"Look de Police!" and tree big, tick, policeman appear....Dat is wen ah get friten, all ah tinkin' is, Miss Ruby only boy chile endin up in jail, drinkin' cocoa tea widdout milk
and eatin' dry hops bred....Dat is janjut! All because of a fren....Mih mudder does always say, 'frens does carry yuh but dey doan bring yuh
back'........ Anyway de police start to question we, one by one. Merle  say dat she did just meet she cousin, an' as dey didn't see one anodder for a long time, he invite she for a drink, and so on and so on an' out of de blue dis Indian woman come up an' start beatin' she,and  how she have a good mind to arkse de Police to charge 'dat Titanic' for assault an' battery......... Den de Police arkse Rookmin wat she had to say and she say how is a long time she noticin' how 'dat pickyhead jagabat' lookin' and thowin' bait for she man an' she decide to put a stop to it. Besides she tell de Police, "if Dole Chadee have rites, ah doan see why ah doan have de rite to proteck mih man from a jajabat like dat. How I ent know if she have AIDS." ...... Is den Merle get bad like a crab! She  stop holding up she shirt an' coverin de rip in de pumpum shorts, so yuh know wat happen.........All she totots expose! Not to mention, de yuh know wat! People start to larf. Somebody shoutout"Look is a Strip tease Show!" Merle didn't care, dis time she beatin' she ches' and goffin' up to Rookmin an shoutin'  "Ah bet a break yuh odder han'! Yuh big Fat BooBooloops!" Dis time de Police had to intervene and dey tell Merle she better keep quiet before dey charge her for disturbin de peace. De Police didn't bodder to question Roysie, because he still coudden catch he breat'. So to cut a long story short,dey say dat if was any body dey had to charge, was Rookmin.......Rookmin start to bawl "Oh Gawd! yuh mean alyuh does put break-han' people in jail? Have some Pity! Ah was only defendin' mih man!" De Police had was to shut she up an' explain to she dat dey wasn't goin' to lay any charge seeing dat she come out wusser dan everybody........

Sam: You mean all ah dat went on?It had plenty people dey lookin on? Any body who know me? So how it end up?


Jojo: It end up so,so thank yuh.De Police had was to take Roysie an' Rookmin to de hospital and leave me an' Merle on we own. Merle had was
to borrow ah uniform from one ah de waitresses to go home, because she didn't want everybody to see de 'wat yuh want to call it' exposed. Well
Merle know dat I know about she and de Mister Roysie, so she embarrass to face me......so she arkse mih not to tell you nutten! So ah arkse she
if she would like her fren to do her dat?Ah tell she no way ....ah was to tell yuh, besides if she play wid fire she had was to expect gettin' burn. Wha she expeck?.......

Sam: Yuh damm rite! Yuh expeck ME to want SHE again........ after gettin on so in publick.... besides it have more fish to fry. Ah tellin yuh Jojo, ah goin' to fone she NOW an give she ah good piece ah mih mind an' end it up once an' for all. No woman go make style on me!.....Monkey mus' know wat tree to climb....

Jojo: But Sam,yuh know an' I know, dat yuh have plenty woman....yuh cyar give she a chance?....

Sam: Wha yuh want me to do? Cut arf mih nose to spoil mih face?Man, gimme ah break! Next ting yuh know, everybody callin' mih mamapool man!
Jojo: Yuh see why ah shouldn't ah tell yuh nutten now allyuh breakup...an' I tort dat I was doin' ah fren a favor....Just remember keep mih outta yuh commesse.

Sam: Yuh do mih a great favor oui,....Yuh make it easier for mih to leave she. Ah was plannin' to leave she tail in any case an' go wid Babsie..Look dis is too much talk,oui, ah going to fone she now!
Sam goes to the telephone,dials a number, and soon after starts
screaming and yelling at the  person on the other end of the line,"Ah
done get de hole story.Yuh is a jagabat! After all ah do for yuh! Only las' week ah take out yuh tings in de pawn shop.......Yuh could cry all yuh want! Is no use cryin' crocodile tears........Doan bring Jojo into dis, he is a real fren,.........Read my lips.....IT IS OVER!....Wha yuh say?......He rite here! Ah go put him on"

Sam: Jojo, Merle want to talk to yuh... look ah not stickin' arong ah goin to fry some fresh fish!

Sam passes the telephone to Jojo and leaves in haste.

JoJo: Yes, is me....Girl, is yuh know de man.....he swallow the hook like a grouper.....He believe every single word ah tell him.....Ah tink he gone by Babsie ..............Well sweetie, de road clean for we.....is now we like two peas in a pod.......Okay doodoo. Ah go meet yuh tonite in de usual spot .....Yuh doan have to sen' kiss over de fone, save it for tonite!
 
De Moral of dis Story:
TIEF FROM TIEF DOES MAKE GOD LARF!
                                                 Alloy

 

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